Loss is hard.

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Personal Journey

Is it really failure if you find that the path you are on was not meant for you?  Maybe it was at one point, but you missed your turn and now you’re running down this road lost.  Maybe you missed your turn.  Maybe you were never supposed to be on this road at all.

Free will offers us the ability to make our own choices.  I do not believe, however, that God, or the universe, let’s us veer too far before trying to get us to self-correct.

We live in a society that is so caught up with success and failure.  It really makes me question how we handle our dreams and goals.  Is it really failing if we find out the path we are on is not for us after all?

I would call that success.

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searching …

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This is where I am lately.  There is so much in this world that hurts my heart …

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Words can hurt me …

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Are there moments in your mind that you can’t forget?  Can’t erase?  The words someone used in conversation with you are etched there, forever replaying themselves whether you call it up or not.  Sometimes, they are the most amazing words you have ever heard.  Sometimes, they are crushing.  But no matter in what vein they are said, they exist in your memories, in the same voice, tone, and inflection as they were originally spoken.

I have a lot of those, many are negative.  Why I can hold on to the negative moments easier than the positive – I don’t know.  But I am finding out by working through it all.  Regardless, if I am not at the top of my game, I hear the voices reminding me of how I could look better, act better, how I obviously do not care about loved ones, I am a liar, I am this, that, or otherwise.  The sad thing is that I know many of these things were said in anger, in ignorance, and in response to inadequacies in someone else.  Yet, there they are.

There are a few that replay almost daily for me.  While they are just words, they haunt me.  I wish I could say that actions speak louder than words and, therefore, the words were meaningless sounds of anger, but they supported actions, or rather, inaction.  In turn, their words have tattooed my memory with all the ways they did not love me.  Each letter inked into me with disrespect, without care or compassion.  They take over the worthiness I should feel and leave me with a sense of failure that I cannot be enough – enough to deserve unconditional love.

Today, I can say that I’ve gotten better at recognizing when they are coming, so I can steel myself to the memory.  They still take me down, but not nearly as long.  I can finally start to see how I am exactly the opposite and the fact that I still love, openly, proves that I am strong, I am loving, and I am worthy.  It may be corny, but I try to remind myself of this every time the voices start.  Forcing myself to replay a positive memory in my mind.  Sometimes I fail, but sometimes I succeed.  That is enough for me to go on for now.

Continuing growing, folks!

xx

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Where have I been?!

If you follow my blog, you will have noticed my silence as of late.  Yes, I have been quite silent and may not have a lot to say at the moment still, but I wanted to start writing again.

First, I shall explain that I have been out of town for work, been ill, trying out new medications, and have also been overcome by some emotion or other over the past month that have lead to my silence.  It was not for lack of wanting to share or lack of inspiration, but every time I tried to sit and write, I fell into a block of words.  Nothing would come to me.

So, instead, I focused on some other things.  One of my favorite things in this world is photography.  I have gotten back into photography in the subject matter that got me hooked to begin with – nature photography.  It is not just about sharing a photograph about this flower or that sky, but it is about capturing the sense of emotion that is held in each scene I witness – and the calming effect it has on me.

Along with photography, I have been writing more in a quote book where I write down little vignettes as they come to me.  Between them and the photographs, I have been putting them together and sharing on my public Instagram account, @thedoctorrobyn.  I use this account mainly for taking photos of my Funko Pops! collection, but have started to express this other creative side.  It has given me great joy, to say the least.

Lastly, I am drafting out ideas to continue my writing.  I have gone through some experiences, especially within the last year, where I have become more and more drawn to engage in discussion over some pivotal topics in our culture.  I am currently outlining and drafting some material for a new blog, focused on my views as a professional woman who lives in a challenging time and location.  I will be sure to write up something to introduce this new blog when the timing is right.

Between photographing the world, writing, and sharing my isms, I have found a good foundation for getting back to who I truly am.  There is nothing more peaceful than recognizing yourself, being happy with that, and celebrating that you have been through another battle and have come out better for it.  I still have my quite sad moments, still question, and am still searching, but I feel more comfortable in my own skin.  For that, I am ever thankful.

Alas, here is an image where I used a quote from a previous blog post, The fire inside.

I will continue to share these and use them as inspiration for blog posts in the future.

Thank you to everyone who has continually shown their support.

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Liebster Award

Thank you so very much to Darren at The Arty Plantsman for nominating my small, precious blog for a Leibster Award.  It is so kind.

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So what exactly does this mean?  It means, Darren asked me a bunch of questions and I get to share the answers with you!  I am supposed to nominate my own favorite small blogs, but, alas, most of the blogs I follow have quite a few followers themselves.  I will continue to search and work on this.  On to the questions …

  • If you could be one fictional character for a day, and actually live their life – who would it be and why?

I love getting lost in a good story.  This question certainly causes me some pause as I love the idea of living in quite a few worlds.  I have so many characters that I adore for so many reasons, Donna Noble or River Song from Doctor Who, Minerva McGonagall from Harry Potter, Lorelai Gilmore, oh so many!  I would have to settled on Dr. River Song – we share some similarities, but the idea of traveling through time and space, remarkable!

  • Can you play a musical instrument?  If so, which?  If not – which would you most like to learn or like to listen to?

I can play the piano at a basic level, as my lessons stopped off when I was a teenager.  That being said, I have loved the instrument and would love to get a piano to re-learn and practice again.  I also took violin for a year or two, but gave it up for some odd reason or another at a young age – probably fear based.  I would enjoy learning this instrument again as well.  I love so very many instruments and do not show natural talent, but would still enjoy learning as many as possible!

  • Are your friends (partners excluded) mostly of your own (biological) sex?

I have friends of both sexes.  I would say that the majority are female where I am in life and location at the moment, but it was not always so.  I find friendships to be fluid and seem to ebb and flow to fit the situation.

  • If magic could make it possible, would you be interested in changing sex for a few days to see the world from another perspective?  Do you think it would be a good idea if we all did this at least once in our life.

I am not sure if I would be interested or not.  I enjoy my feminine self and while I was sad as a girl that I was not a boy, attending boy scouts with my brother, I cannot say that I have a desire to spend a day as the other sex.  It would be interesting, to say the least, but I have no burning desire to do so.  I believe we all need to learn to accept ourselves for who we are – nowadays it would seem that we are too preoccupied with being someone else, so I am not sure it would be a good idea for research or not.  (Let’s also point out that in the United States, the idea of gender roles, bathroom assignments, and the like are very contentious still).

  • Vampire movies/shows – do you prefer scary ones or romantic ones, and which?

I could care less about vampire movies or shows.  I much prefer a good story – if a character is a vampire, perhaps it’s worth a view.  I will say that I do not like horror movies at all – not my cup of tea.  I have never understood the adrenaline and fun in scaring yourself.

  • Think of something good about yourself.  Talk about it if you want, but I just wanted you to feel nice.

You have been wonderful at sharing joy, Darren.  And I appreciate that.  🙂

Thank you for the opportunity to participate and I look forward to blogging again after a month’s hiatus.

xx

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Strength … and weakness

I have been in a weak phase of my life, for at least five to seven years now.  I have managed a great deal of strength during certain times: pregnancy/childbirth (he was 9 pounds, okay?), separating, jobs, disrespect, misogyny, etc.  However, there is a large part of me that looks back and misses the woman I used to be – that sassy person that could get anyone to smile through compassion or my quick wit.  The person who took no shit and stood my ground.  What happened to me?  I turned into a shell and I allowed my weakness to take over, believed that was all I was.

A recent conversation with a good friend lead me to a concept that I did not expect.  He mentioned that part of my feeling so weak was because I was either looking for someone stronger than me, or I conceded to someone else’s “strength.”  But, he continued, “you cannot find anyone stronger than you.  You are the strongest person I know.”  He knew about the struggles I had in my youth, some of the past hurts I have experienced, and he watched me fight tooth and nail in my adulthood for my goals.  He saw me fall down and bleed.  But, he also saw me get up, repeatedly, stronger each and every time.  He saw me make decisions for someone else, out of love and respect, and saw the outcomes.  And … he saw me get up and refuse to succumb to bitterness and wall myself off.

[It is very enlightening to hear someone else’s viewpoint of you – I suggest everyone ask a close loved one, a supporter and a fellow warrior, to honestly tell you what they see in you.  It boggled my mind.   I have felt each and every thing that happened and I felt every time I regained my strength to move forward.]

The conclusion I have come to is that I am strong because I have recognized my weaknesses and, ultimately, have not let them take me under.  I fell numerous times, don’t get me wrong.  I stayed down and licked my wounds and cried.  It is a struggle, as many of you may know by now reading my other posts.  I fall into a hole of despair so easily one would think I give up and jump down.  But instead of keeping me in the hole and refusing to play, it has taught me how to reach out with compassion.

We are all strong and we are all weak.  Every single one of us has done something in our lives that causes us to second guess and shame ourselves.  Sometimes we need the pain to help us move forward.  Sometimes, it is overwhelming and we end up in a shame cycle.  But I am here to tell you that admitting you have weaknesses, striving to overcome them, and realizing your full potential as a human being – not as the CEO, not as the teacher of the year, not as the best and most hospitable Suzy Homemaker – as a human being, will allow you to really understand the strength you have inside.  You will feel a sense of relief when you accept that you are not a horrible person, you are not a complete failure, and that you are living one day after the other and doing the best you can.

Another friend always says, “Life is tough; you don’t get out alive.”  How right he is!  Life is horrendous sometimes and absolutely glorious others.  Even when you are in your shame and in your weakness, you still belong.   In all of my shame and feelings of inadequacy, I refuse to give up on people.  I play “the long game” (I’m stealing from a lot of my peeps this evening).  Sometimes, I need to remember to not give up on myself.  I can play the long game with me too … I’m not where I want to be, but I am where I am supposed to be.

What I always try to remember is this:  People will not change unless it’s too uncomfortable to stay the same.  Even if that someone is you.  Trust in you … have the strength.

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~I have started posting some of my quotes on Instagram with my photography.  Follow at @thedoctorrobyn.  As a warning, I also love Funko Pops and Doctor Who.  🙂

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