When you’re climbing out of your rabbit hole, sometimes you hit stumbling blocks. Like big, massive tree roots shooting out of the earth that you can’t see around. No one is there to help you and if you want out of that hole, you have to figure it out. Sometimes, when you’re making progress, you need to have a setback – a major setback – so that you can figure out a way through it instead of avoiding it (again). That is the only way to get out of the hole …
Over the last 24 hours, I can tell you honestly that I am broken into pieces. That tree root came out of no where, knocked me backwards, and I’m pretty sure I have a concussion. I am still hanging on, mind you, but dammit. Dammit!
I have been living with a great deal of pain. I learned to live with it and have tried my hardest to grow from it. I have been one hell of a strong person for a very long time. I started to crack two years ago, then I had to glue me back together good enough, then another crack, glue, cracking, glue, then I was dropped, glued, and now it feels like I exploded. Picking up those pieces, it’s hard to tell what is an actual piece and what is the residual glue.
Something happened last night that set me on edge – someone who is or should be very close to me made a general comment about someone else’s hobby, how great it was, I should look into it, etc. Funny thing is, this person also knows what my hobbies are and I haven’t felt any support from them. They go on and on about their life and their struggles and where they want to go, but none of it has anything to do with me. And it never has. Why, then, have I spent so much energy building them up, helping them, being their support structure? It’s because I know I have to do it. It’s who I am, but sometimes I am tired of being the strong one. Sometimes, as shy as I can be, I would like some attention – someone to know I’m alive and well and actually have hobbies where I excel.
Enter today. I was working on some exercises where I had to conjure up my happiest memory from childhood. I was asked about this later in the day. When I tried on my own, I couldn’t think of one. When I was asked later, it took me 30 minutes to come up with something I could use. Instead of my reminiscing about that happy memory, it opened up a lot of memories that I had hidden and did not want to remember. I had to sit still and sift through it, feeling all of the pain again, one crack after another, until I was a sad, lost little girl who needed to be comforted.
As I continue in my growth, I realize more and more the importance of being kind to yourself and of being able to comfort yourself. Honestly, it irritates the hell out of me that I have to do this all alone, though I understand its importance. Along with the sad, little girl, though, is this angry woman … and I mean one hell of an angry woman … who cannot understand why that little girl was never comforted. She wants to stand up and yell and scream and call attention to these people who do not know how to empathize and comfort and support others. In fact, I am pretty sure the headache I currently have is that woman still screaming inside over it all. It makes me sick … quite literally.
For now, I will soothe myself, both the child me and the adult me, and continue to work my way up the rabbit hole. I think I have figured out a way around this tree root, though it will take a few days journey to fully put it behind me. The angry woman will still be upset that no one saw fit to help trim the root for me or that it’s as big as it is to begin with, but I will still climb on no matter what. I am strong. I am honestly tired of being strong and would love to take a rest while being held up by a loved one, but that is not in the cards today, tomorrow or the next day. Instead, I will nurture my pieces back together in order to take another step
But dammit. Time for me to go practice Mountain Pose …