I have been moving upwards toward the light, out of this rabbit hole I’ve been stuck in for a while. Typically, I would sit here and write about how I’ve been in such need of a hug and the depression has kept me in bed, yet another weekend while my son was with his father. Well, I can honestly say that did not happen this weekend!
I have not felt this strong in probably a decade. I was strong when I left my home, but I filled the empty space with so much stuff, that I did not feel strong so much as busy. Now, while I have major setbacks, I feel strong even in the lonely times and spaces. I do not have to be busy.
I am pleased to tell you that this morning, I stayed in bed until 11:30 am. I woke up at 8, did some roaming around the house, and then, when I decided I needed a big, warm hug, I went back under my cozy covers, snuggled up, and had a glorious nap/hug that lasted a while. I shed quite a few tears when I got up, not because I felt worthless, as usual, but because I felt like no matter what, I would be okay. I’m tired of being in that hole … for now on, I will be okay or I will be glorious.
I’m not that naive to think I will not be back in that hole again, but I can tell you that my tenure in that hole is getting shorter and the hole itself is getting more shallow.
It has not been an easy period in my life. It will not be easy from here on out as there are many difficult things that have not settled. I still am scared of the connection I seek, nervous to open up to people for fear of being hurt. Hell, I am still hurt. But I am getting angry … really angry. I’m told that is a step in the right direction. I may not be perfect, but I am tired of feeling bad about myself – I am struggling in this crazy messed up world just like everyone else. To hell with anyone who thinks I’m any worse than they are, nor am I better. I am unique and intricate little me, but damn, am I amazing too.
Sometimes, let your blankets hug you … snuggle up, wrap yourself tightly and smile with your hug from the universe. Today, it set the tone for my strength the rest of the day.
Now … back to my covers. 🙂