Not enough

Many people have thought, “I am not enough,” at some point in their lives.  It crosses my mind a lot.  Daily.  I’ve thought like this for well over a decade, probably two.  It is one thing to think it, quietly, to yourself.  It is another thing to see how someone’s actions prove it to be true.  Further still, to be told, repeatedly.  It may not be blatant, though it might, and it may be through a freezing cold silence, but it is still there – someone doesn’t think you’re enough.

It is incredibly difficult to grow through that.  There is a lot of self-work to break the cycle of self-abuse, but when it’s reinforced on a regular basis by others as well … talk about a fight.

I sit back and compare how I have done a lot for my age – reached a level in a profession that is crazy for my age and experience.  Yet, I have not reached the goal I had set for my life.  I beat myself up a lot over that.  I know I’m not where I want to be because I made sacrifices for people in my life, because I loved them.  The same cannot always be said for those that reach their goals early – do they question not making decisions for the people they loved, as much as I sometimes question putting everyone else first?

Still, all it takes is one person to point out a flaw, to chisel at that confidence, to go out of their way to discredit you or attack your integrity …  No matter how much work you made to accept yourself, even like yourself and be proud of your accomplishments, it just takes one person.  That person who sees you as an obstacle, that person who only sees you as a temporary, that person who cannot find an easy way to get rid of you and so all is fair game.

It is sick.  It is twisted and on a level that I cannot comprehend.  We are all human beings.  We all have strengths and weaknesses.  They complement each other and should be celebrated.  But damn if any of us decide that the only way to move forward is to exploit another’s weakness.  Even worse if anyone decides that they will manufacture a weakness to exploit.

The older generation taught us wisely that the world is not fair.  It does not mean we should not strive to be fair anyway.

And damn you, I am not enough.  I am not enough for mistreatment, disrespect unbecoming of my character, and I am not enough for indifferent dismissal.

I may not be where I want to be in life, but I can certainly say that I try to be fair.  If a decision I have made might harm someone else, I agonize over that decision.  It is shocking at how careless people can be.  And further, if you stand up to it, then the narrative changes to how you are weak and cannot handle the situation/etc.  Especially if you are a woman and a young woman at that.  Yet, I challenge anyone to be their best self while dealing with incessant questioning, disrespect, and undermining behavior.

If I am measured and found wanting in a game such as that, then so be it.  It will not be giving up or failing, it will be my unwillingness to settle.  I respectfully decline.